Wednesday 5 October 2011

If you can't forgive and forget, pick one. -- Robert Brault

I have lately withdrawn into a state of hibernation. People from the past are appearing in the dreams now more frequently than ever, and although I can never recall the details the next day, I am always left feeling exhausted and perturbed. Can we forgive and forget the people who have wronged against us or hurt us? And most importantly, can we learn to truly forgive ourselves?


Maybe each person has different capacity to forgive and forget, and some of us may find it easier to move on than others. But we sometimes make ourselves believe that we are just fine, until something triggers a part of that buried memories, be it a song, a scene or an innocent comment made by someone else, then the emotions bubble up onto the surface and we no longer feel strong but vulnerable again.


There is no point wishing the past was different, because it makes us who we are today. Hopefully, we learn from our own disappointments, failures and mistakes and become stronger. But what if we find ourselves keep failing in the area that we desperately want to conquer? The pattern gets harder and harder to break as time goes on. It is different from having had no experience so we can be enthusiastic about experimenting, once we have accumulated the joy and pain and everything else that goes on in between, we retreat and feel immobilized to change 'fate' - further preventing us from attaining the one thing that we want the most. Isn't it funny that we fear the same thing that we desire?


As said by F. Scott Fitzgerald, Forgotten is Forgiven. Maybe they are essentially the same thing. We can no longer be bothered by something we have forgotten. And if a certain thing
provokes a reaction, there must be the same thing within us which mirrors it.


It may be possible to differentiate the two if not permanently, but temporarily. Forgiveness comes from a place of love. If there is someone you love, you can forgive or convince yourself to forgive, but you may not be able to forget if it has caused you pain. But when the love is gone, you will wish to forget but may not be able to forgive because of the previous pain you have been inflicted.


Some people say that we only begin to forgive when we recall those who have hurt us and can wish them well. I personally have not mastered this, and honestly, nor do I wish to. I appreciate the experience for what it is, not more, and not less. If they are people from your past, make peace and just leave them there. I believe the most important thing is to realize who you value now and who you want in your future, think about them, protect them and love them.


Forgive many things in others; nothing in yourself. -- Ausonius. I don't believe this to be true. True forgiveness can only come when you have learnt to accept and forgive yourself first, then can you hold real compassions towards others for the struggles they go through. Because what we see in ourselves, we find in others.


How unhappy is he who cannot forgive himself. -- Publilius Syrus

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